Thursday, October 2, 2008

on dreams and little women

Well ... are these not the cutest little girls? They are mine... sortof. smile I so wish I could touch them and feel them and smell the cookie baby breath I so love.

I had a dream last night, a recurring dream I've had for a decade or more. I haven't had it since the day I met Mark. But last night it came to me again. In the dream I have a baby and I forget to take care of it. I mean forget to feed it, forget to remember it even exists. And then the horror and fear as I remember and rush in, only to find the baby is okay, perfect.

Last night I dreamed of overwhelming doing and working - for everyone else ... and then with horror I realize that in all the doing I have forgotten MY baby.

I rush into the baby's room and there she is, all curled up on her tummy and not asking for anything ... the dream baby never cries ... just waits. And I pick her up and although it is three in the afternoon she just yawns and I know I have to change and feed her. The dream is so strange ... I am horrified with myself, ashamed, and yet the baby is thriving and soft and okay. But I also feel at the edge of danger in that I know I am responsible and am being irresponsible ... all that kind of thing. It is a high emotion dream.

So last night I had the baby dream for the first time in l8 months. I wonder why. I am thinking of it and feeling it today. I will choose to act somehow...

I think I know this about dreams. They are only rarely 'messages from heaven.' Mostly a dream is my own inner soul - call it my subconscious or my unprocessed life - trying to speak in the quiet moments when my mind is not so busy measuring and connecting and integrating. My inner unattended-to self speaks in the early quiet hours of the morning and shows me pictures loaded with messages just for me.

Today I add another layer of depth to my day as I let that dream float on my pre-focal mind and see what it might mean. At least life isn't boring.

4 comments:

Erin Crisp said...

Wow, that's a heavy dream. That's the kind of dream that makes my chest ache all day, kind of that one-of-my-kids-is-lost-in-the-mall feeling only every time to you remember it you wonder why.

Marilyn said...

yah - I need a dream expert!

Karen said...

I have recurring dreams of a similar nature and they are most definitely not messages from heaven but a commentary on my own soul. I get mine when I'm anxious about something. In fact, I call them "my anxiety dreams". They're familiar but I'm never happy to see them. I know a few people like that too...smile.

Anonymous said...

Marilyn....I have this very same dream! I feel horrible...criminal!
How could I forget to feed and change my baby? Why it could die! I think I figured it out for myself. It was such a part of my past...and it isn't any longer. Part of me still thinks I need to be attending to baby or maybe just remembers my past life. But the other part of me says it's not my life any more...so I forget HOW to care for a baby. Which is really silly because I have 3 grand kids and do a darn good job when I have them. No need to call child services on this grammy.
Maybe with babieS in your life again there is a deep part of you that goes back to caring for yours...but that is not your life anymore...so you forget how. Our past and present life in conflict.
Just a thought.
OH, how are the Rachel's doing?
Becky