Wednesday, January 9, 2008

living with me

I have this thing I do where I struggle in an issue for a while and then one day, without fanfare, I move on. Perhaps the moving on moment is the spurt of growth, or maybe it means the growth has been accomplished.

Steve said to me, the other day, that maybe the reason I am so tired is that I spend so much energy not being like my family (of origin). Hmm. One of the things about being a survivor of sorts is that you decide you are going to make it, make it with flair, and make it alone (whatever 'making it' means). So I have lived my life wearing the survivor super-shell, er, super-cape. This cape, while quite attractive, is fairly wearying.

Lately I have been looking at my life, our family life, and my contributions to the greater world with a new lens. Did I make the right choices? Did Steve and I raise the kids properly? Were my values adequate?

Today, maybe yesterday too, I stopped myself and dumped everything into the "did that, did it as well as I knew how, did it with humour mostly, can't re-do it" file. I feel peace again.

I want to learn. I want to change and grow and mellow and soften. But that mellow soft person will still be intense, creative and somewhat insane in a normal way. So get counseling if that bugs you.


rachel said...

you may as well be all you - no one else is gonna be! :)

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