Tuesday, July 12, 2011

summer thinkin' - head surgery

I am sitting in a clinic while Steve has his head operated on. I have thought he needed this, for years now. smile Actually he has a small cancer on his forehead and once this dermatologist gets it off he will likely have a 1/2 inch pit making his forehead look like someone has been mountain top coal mining. But what is on my mind is the instructions mailed to him a week ago that describe all he must do to cooperate with the surgery.

Of note is the instruction to, and I quote, "be a couch potato" for 24 - 48 hours after the surgery.

Now, I have cause to wonder why none of the invasions of my body have every come with instructions like that. I remember, for instance, the experiences of giving birth. For almost a year my body is invaded by an alien who grows with more force than a tapeworm until it is the size of a regulation football. Then this creature is forced like a "hail-Mary pass" out an opening that I would prefer to keep at, say, 1" at most. After ripping skin and muscle and crushing my whole excretion system that had served me so well, this little football person begins sucking at my boosum drawing energy out of my body like a Borg invasion.

Just as I begin to feel like a human again - six or maybe seven hours after all this ordeal - a fat, tired nurse begins to prod me saying, "You need to get up lady. Let me help you" - and she pushes on my aching back and pulls at my arm to force me to move. Gown open at the rear, and various appendages hanging from my body I lumber down the hall or into the bathroom. And so it goes... wake up to feed the alien, get out of bed, stand up so the bed can be made, and entertain a host of visitors.

Now, why is it that a man with a booboo on his forehead is instructed (as if a man needs these instructions!) to be a couch potato for a couple days and a woman who has just preserved the future of the human race has to get up as soon as possible FOR HER OWN GOOD!!!? I think the instructions after birthing should include, "You MUST be a couch potato for 2 - 3 weeks if you are to survive."

I remember last time I had surgery - again, a miserable female surgery that did require anesthetic - the male nurse came in just before I went in and asked if there was anything in my religion that he needed to know pertaining to my care. My brain synapses lit up and a brilliant idea occurred to me. "My religion" I said, "requires that a woman awakening from surgery must have chocolate waiting for her."

He looked confused. Then laughed. And yes, he had chocolate waiting for me after surgery. Maybe we simply need to ask.

(For all the literalists who read this: I am actually very thankful my dear Steve has this kind of medical care...and I will wait on him hand and foot for at least 2 HOURS following. After that it is everyone for himself!)


Eve said...

Great blog Marilyn;) I loved the description of women popping out aliens who sucks on our bossom and drains us of all energy- I'm feeling that these days...I hope Steve recovers well! Tell him to watch the WOMEN's World Cup soccer matches while he's potato-ing!

Krissi said...

This was kind of fantastic:) It definitely makes me want to adopt, though!!!

Katie Kermeen Swisher said...

You're so delightful Marilyn!

Ron "scarbelly" McClelland said...

Welcome to the club Steve. While you were having your head ripped open I was having a hollow needle shoved through my belly into a tumour on my liver. I too got some instructions for Vicki to serve me hand and foot for three days while I relax in my recliner. I only had to pay the nurses $5.00 for this valuable piece of paper. I think the money went into their party fund. Get well soon.

Mandie said...

You crack me up! I'm glad he's alright and that he has you! Love you!

Myrna said...

I finally have to comment. Marilyn your aliens (at least your last one)are at least the size of an Aussie Rules football which is much larger than a normal regulation size. I also think that 2 hours is more than adequate for any sort of "couch potatoing". Sorry Steve, no sympathy here...I had to get groceries the day after returning home from major surgery as my man drove off into the sunset.

Ladee C said...

Loved It, Loved It,
My hubby had business in Memphis and he called me saying he had a headache and diarrhea asking what he needed to do. I told him the same thing he does when he is home. He commented, "if I can get you out here will you come?"