I got fired today.

No not at my job. I got fired from my doctor. Can they even do that? A couple months ago I had an issue with the doctor where I felt I didn't have sovereignty over my body. I was so unhappy I actually talked to her about it and it didn't go well. No shouting or anything, or name calling, but I pushed the issue that she had 'done me wrong' and that she had 'all the power' in the relationship. I cried finally and maybe kindof stormed out. Not stormed really, but left sobbing and saying, 'Whatever!' Which I hate about myself. I do conflict so badly.

Anyway, I even sent her a note that didn't grovel, but said I knew it had gone badly and she had been a help to me and I was sorry how it went. If I look back on my life one of the few things I regret are times I didn't stand up for myself or walk out on something that was abusive. This was me trying to own my own life. I couldn't just beg for forgiveness to make it right. It would have made it wrong. There was error on both sides.

So now two months later, I made an appointment, this morning at ll:30. I got an early call from her assistant saying they were cancelling my appointment and I was not going to be a patient of theirs anymore.

I didn't feel shattered. Really, I had been feeling a fair bit of stress about going and had prayed and composed myself to be okay, so my reaction was to be relieved. But then I thought, 'am I really a b---ch?'
Am I the only person she has fired?

So I have had to think about this a little today. About how I handle conflict and when is the time to stand up for something. In some of the women in leadership books I've read lately there is a sense that a woman in leadership in the corporate world needs to be able to fight. I am a terrible fighter. Does that mean I am weak? A failure at some level? Or is fighting bad?

Then my thoughts went to a report I've been working on the last few days. In it I am reflecting on the idea that Christian community must have room for disillusion. We are not a community because we all get along or we all know the best way to confront, or we never confront anyone - not at all. Anywhere there are people there will be strife. But "Jesus is our Peace" Ephesians 2:14.

During the day I came to a nice quiet realization that I am loved, acceptable, fully human just as I am. I don't have to figure out why someone doesn't want to be in relationship with me. My role is to be alive to people around me and not demand that they fit into my idea of 'nice' and well behaved.

Sometimes we just can't be well behaved. Sometimes we shouldn't be, for everyone's sake. And when we get it wrong, it isn't that important. Anyone know of a good doctor?