Before you read this, I have to say what throbs in my heart - we need each other. Women need women. We need to listen. To know that what is happening in my heart is happening in someone else's heart. I received this precious letter today and asked my friend if I could post it. I want you to read it because this is real stuff of a woman's heart. This woman is a beautiful soul - a pure servant and a genuine beloved of God. I know she will read this. I love you friend.
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Yesterday after church, I said to a good friend: "I'm so tired of trying to keep this church afloat". I had previously mentioned this to God during and after the service. I went on..."We have sustained on IV's and other meds for so long, I think a Hospice referral is appropriate."
My first point...watch what you say to anybody!! At the moment, I truly "felt" what I said. Today, I still affirm: I'm so tired of pumping air in this local parish. I looked into the faces of 18 faithful souls, who had appeared for church. Numbers usually don't bother me, but sometimes a preacher knows too much....like the people who are off for the weekend to "relax", or those deeply spiritual people who are mad and spread their poison to others.
It was a Holy Communion Day, and I preached on God's glory shining through us in our servant roles.Of course I urged us to remember the "great servant" who is teacher and enabler.I'm not sure "God's glory" was shining through me when I voiced concerns to my friend.
Guess what has bothered me the most?? Not what I said, but that she did not hear me. She's a good sensitive friend....beloved.I just wanted her to hear me...get it out of my system and go on.
Well, after some minutes of sincere endeavor to highlight my shortcomings, I just decided to crawl back in my hole and hush. One of her comments is true - I am tired....but in a way she cannot understand. Does that lifelong tiredness ever go away? I've hoped sleep would address it, but the grief tired just drags on. It makes tears come to my eyes, as I type. Any thoughts,from the one who hears me and
loves me?? I wish I was close by,just to sit with you and see you smile at me.I love you and miss you.
7 comments:
you have to live a while to understand that, Krissi
i don't know if anyone who doesn't have a fulltime ministry family can understand that kind of lifelong tiredness. this letter could have been written by me, mom. *sigh* i love you. thanks for hearing me, too. xo
There is nothing like ministry to lift you to heights you never imagined and to drain your very soul to depths you thought not possible. Proclaiming the Gospel and experiencing those who are satisfied with status quo or even worse use religion as their weapon and pacifier, leads to a tiredness which is different from a lack of sleep.
May we learn to be quick to listen, slow to speak.
Only a few months until I enter that world. I still scratch my head at that, but okay, God, whatever you say. Can't deny I'm a bit scared. Studying literature was a lot safer.
At times when I've had more than enough I read this little poem by James E Emanuel. I read it slowly and slowly the tears come. It makes me feel hmmm, not alone. Imagine yourself sitting by a noisy creek, in the dark looking up into a big starry night. Now read and reread.
A Small Discovery
Father, where do giants go to cry?
To the hills Behind the thunder.
Or to the waterfall? I wonder.
(Giants cry. I know they do.
Do they wait till nighttime too?)
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